Trapped in the Bathroom
[2009-10-01]
I don't know what it is with bathrooms, but I've never had much luck with them.
I mean, everyone's had the standard just dropped a deuce, where's the toilet paper
moments, but for whatever reason, I seem to be particularly prone to unfortunate events in and around the john.
For example, shortly after getting glasses, I'm standing in front of toilet, draining the lizard
as the kids say, when I hear faint clink
followed by a plop,
and my vision suddenly becomes half-blurry. I couldn't see it, but I knew, sitting at the bottom of the steadily yellowing water bowl is the lens missing from my glasses.
So I drive to the grocery store, with only one lens, half my vision, and a complete lack of depth perception to buy a big-ass rubber glove. Come back (miraculously avoiding any major collisions or injuries), fish out my lens, and try to get cleaned up.
But no matter how hard you scrub, you never really feel clean after that.
Tonight was no better. I'm home alone, not expecting the wife for at least another 2 hours. I use the basement bathroom, this time with no lens malfunctions, flush and wash and head to the door. It's then I remember that the door knob to the downstairs bathroom only works from the outside.
No problem,
I think, I'll just unscrew the handle from the inside.
I tap my pocket, expecting my pocket knife, but it's empty. Crap. Well, it's a bit embarrassing, but I can call the neighbors.
Pat my other pocket, and it's empty too.
So I tried a bunch of stuff. I tried to unscrew the knob with various makeshift drivers, none of which were strong enough. I flattened out a curtain rod and tried to jimmy the door open like one would with a credit card, but the latch went too far into the catch to be forced open. I tried to pry the pins out of the hinges, but couldn't get enough leverage. Finally accepting my fate, I sat on the can and looked up to the heavens to pray the house doesn't suddenly catch on fire.
There, hanging from a joist in unfinished ceiling was a wire coat hanger. I pulled it down, carefully straightened it out, wrapped it around the pins in the hinges, and with conciderable effort pulled them out. After roughing up the door a bit, I finally pulled it out the frame, and freed myself from its confines.
So the lesson: when you know a handle only works from one side, fix it. I know I will.
Tomorrow.